[This article started off in life as a brief reply to someone’s comment on another article of mine twelve years ago. This whole idea of “The Lost Art of Femininity” then became a little article all of its own. Today, I have finally completed it into the fuller article that it was always meant to be. This is a subject which is close to my soul as it today strikes at the very heart of all the warped notions about sexuality, gender and personal identity in this increasingly insane world]

FOR SOME DECADES, much has been said about the necessity for men to get in touch with their so-called ‘feminine side’. I would not dispute that men need to have a well-developed sensitivity and empathy. But from my observations today, I would say that it is not so much the men who need to discover their ‘feminine side’ but the women who need to discover theirs!

The discovery and practice of true femininity by many women today is at the very least a dying art, if not a not far off completely lost one. ‘Ladettes’ are trendy; and for a woman to make herself into an aggressive, ‘driven’ personality is considered to be “a strong independent woman” who is a threat to all men — though the reality is that real men just find such a woman to be completely fake, a betrayal of the true feminine, and not at all suitable as a confidante or ‘wife material’.

Now you may say to me, “How dare you, as a man, write about this subject? Leave it to the womxn!” To which I reply: A real man with a transformed heart and a soul flowering through the indwelling Holy Spirit (who guides us into all truth) is very much aware of what it means to meet a ‘real woman’, for it is something which he loves and respects deeply and longs to be with intensely. Therefore, such a man is very well placed to elaborate on the beauty of femininity. A real woman, in all her loveliness, may well come to expand on this in other aspects, which is also good. But I think that the view of a man who loves women for the transcendent depths of their true femininity should not at all be disregarded. This is not “mansplaining” (as feminists derogatorily put it) but men taking the leadership role which is theirs by Divine calling.

Defining Femininity

If you ask me at this point what I mean by “femininity” I reply that a true woman would know the answer to that instinctively when she is in the company of an authentic man who loves authentic women. But if I were to respond in more detail, I would go on to say the following words:

Femininity means knowing how to be modest as well as quietly confident. It means knowing how to have an opinion without becoming opinionated. It means knowing how to achieve goals successfully without being pushy or aggressive. It means knowing how to be sensual without a trace of vulgarity or vanity. It means knowing how to dress in such a way that she pleases both herself and her man. (The true woman loves to please her man and she also knows how to show him how to please her). A woman who says that she only wants to please herself has missed the beauty of the dance of reciprocity. Femininity means having both the desire and ability to let a real man cherish her with his whole being, which is always his inner will. It means ardently desiring her man to chase her right into the heart of herself and penetrate her all the way into her core (metaphorically and otherwise), for that is what she truly desires, even if she rebels against it (which most women do). It means understanding the delicate art of surrender in the moments when it is most needed. It means knowing how to have endless patience without being passive. It means knowing how (and having the desire) to meet the needs of others first and foremost but without ever allowing herself to be a doormat or to be exploited.

Femininity means having a deep, diffuse, almost extrasensory awareness which transcends focused consciousness (which would be where masculinity tends to be anchored; but that does not mean that a woman can never focus her consciousness when necessary or that a man can never have a deep, diffuse, almost extrasensory awareness when necessary). That she has this deep, diffuse, almost extrasensory awareness is what has enabled her so easily to become a witch when she is a tool of the devil rather than an adopted child of God and disciple of Christ. Femininity means having a ‘spiritual’ perception of her connectedness to living things (which finds its ultimate expression in motherhood). It means loving her body and its many mysteries, including embracing the deep mystery of who she is as a woman. It means loving to discover what it is about her womanhood that makes her different from, but complementary to, a man. It means that she loves to discover the nature of her man’s true masculinity so that she can know better how to relate to it and even enhance it. This is because, above all, a truly feminine woman knows how to be the complement and completion of a truly masculine man. It also means that she knows how to be the conduit (energy transformer) for a man so that he can open up to the fullness of his manhood, masculinity and spiritual sacredness. A true woman is at once the exposer and healer of the vulnerability of a man — and a real man loves that about her.

What the Scriptures Say

Turning to the Scriptures, although not having a vast amount of material on what is expected for the comportment and mindset of a woman, what they do say carries the richness of the subject in great depth and provides seeds for understanding. The Book of Proverbs carries many insights into the wonders of a man having a real woman in his life. Having made the shrewd and accurate observation that “It is better to live on a corner of the roof, than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (Proverbs 25:24), which could be applied to so many women today (whether professing ‘Christians’ or not!), Proverbs 31:10-31 provides the much-needed counterbalance. In fact, those verses form an acrostic poem, each verse beginning with the successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet. The opening three verses state this:

“Who can find a wife of noble character? She is far more precious than rubies. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he lacks nothing of value. She brings him good and not harm all the days of her life”.

Proverbs 31:10-12

Imagine finding such a woman. A man could be forgiven for thinking that he had entered heaven prematurely! But let us press on into the New Testament, where women are given clear apostolic instruction concerning their mindset and demeanour. Firstly, Paul says to the pastor, Timothy: “A woman must learn in quietness and full submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; she is to remain quiet” (1 Timothy 2:11-12). The Greek word translated as “quietness” there, ἡσυχίᾳ, hēsychia, implies that inner tranquillity, calmness and mature stillness which is especially the woman’s realm of mind when she has been spiritually transformed in Christ and had all her issues ‘straightened out’ (some of which she needs to work on herself). It is a mystical word rather than just simply meaning that a woman must button her lips and shut up so that no sound comes out (which is how many choose to misunderstand it). This “quietness” is deep and spiritual. It is instructive that Paul defends this need for female submission to male authority by citing the order of man and woman in the original creation and the fact that it was Eve who was first deceived by Satan (1 Timothy 2:13-15). This is contentious for so many women but it has to be understood correctly and seen for the wisdom that it is. An authentic woman in Christ will see this clearly and accept it as wisdom rather than some perceived “threat to her independence”.

Then, along similar lines, Paul says to the Corinthians: “Women are to be silent in the churches. They are not permitted to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says” (1 Corinthians 14:34). Many women have apoplexy when they read these words. But that is indicative of a sinful response to a most wise directive. I think that John Gill (1697-1771) explains this verse very well in his commentary:

“It is not permitted unto them to speak. That is, in public assemblies, in the church of God, they might not speak with tongues, nor prophesy, or preach, or teach the word. All speaking is not prohibited; they might speak their experiences to the church, or give an account of the work of God upon their souls; they might speak to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs; or speak as an evidence in any case at a church meeting; but not in such sort as carried in it direction, instruction, government, and authority. It was not allowed by God that they should speak in any authoritative manner in the church; nor was it suffered in the churches of Christ”.

John Gill, Exposition of the Entire Bible”, writing on 1 Corinthians 14:34

I have added the bold emphasis there because that sums up what lies behind these apostolic directives. Women can speak, contribute to the experience of the assembly, only if it is not to give direction, instruction, teaching, or exercising authority in the ekklesia. That still leaves a massive amount of scope for other verbalization. Then, still continuing their advice about women in the church, the Apostles turn to their general comportment. First, Paul says:

“I want the women to adorn themselves with respectable apparel, with modesty, and with self-control, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, as is proper for women who profess to worship God”.

1 Timothy 2:9-10

Then, continuing in that same mould and in such a way that it really explains Paul’s words, Peter says to all female disciples of Christ:

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair or gold jewelry or fine clothes, but from the inner disposition of your heart, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in God’s sight. For this is how the holy women of the past adorned themselves. They put their hope in God and were submissive to their husbands”.

1 Peter 3:3-5

Understanding these directives goes a long way towards being a genuinely feminine woman. Being in the assembly of the faithful, especially during public worship or receiving teaching, should not involve an ego-display of ‘preeningness’ or a fashion parade. In the time of the early church, many women of the world would go to great lengths to braid their hair in a highly intricate manner, weaving all kinds of materials into it, and so on. One of the reasons why having lavishly braided hair or adorning oneself with gold jewelry or expensive clothing in a church environment would be frowned upon is that many in the churches were from poor backgrounds and could not afford such finery. It was important not to create an environment which would emphasize those kinds of external differences between people in the assembly. Besides, the feminine characteristic of modesty was to be emphasized. A woman’s natural feminine beauty was to come from that holiness which was within her by her newly sanctified nature rather than from any external, hyped-up, material trappings of wealth and indulgence. And this is the Apostles’ meaning with their words.

So say the Scriptures concerning the flowering flow of femininity of a woman.

A Woman’s ‘Dresscode’

Naturally, a woman who is empowered by the Holy Spirit and who revels in her femininity will not follow the trend to wear masculine, fashion-fad or nihilistic styles of clothes dictated by fashion companies but will wear those which are a true expression of her sacred feminine self. There isn’t a rigid rulebook about this, and one has to take into account what it is practical to wear. (One would not necessarily wear a beautiful flowing dress when cleaning out a pigpen or henhouse or even when trying to juggle five rumbustious nappy-stage kids in the nursery!). But we are dealing simply with what comes naturally from the transformed woman’s heart. Thus, her clothes will be becoming of her modesty and will not sluttishly reveal body parts which should only be for the sight of her husband. They will have a flow to them which represents the ‘found art’ of her femininity and which brings out the delicate nuance of her internal beauty. They will demonstrate her softness and surrender in ways which authentic men will find beguiling and deeply beautiful. It is not vain or egocentric for a woman to want to beautify herself (without going over-the-top) if that beautification is the genuine expression of her inner beauty.

The Need for Baggage Destruction

However, this necessary flowering flow of femininity can be dammed up by women’s experiences — especially early ones of primal influence. If a woman is carrying hurt and pain from early abuse in life or bad parenting, then the only solution is for her to face her darkness and discover the source of the emotional baggage which has travelled with her into adulthood. Deep prayer needs to take place so she can be freed from such binding influences — fragments of the old unsanctified nature which can doggedly remain and which induce sinful responses such as envy, jealousy, fear (especially fear of abandonment), aggression, resentment, insecurity, etc. This is where a woman has to “put to death the components of your earthly nature which lurk within you” (Colossians 3:5). It means that “by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body” (Romans 8:13). This is the old, almost forgotten teaching on “Mortification”, whereby one slays the remnants of the old nature, which includes trauma-based patterns of behaviour. It is part of the process of ‘crucifying the flesh’ (Galatians 5:24), whereby we overcome those things within us which can drag us back into old thoughts, actions and habits. Because these things can have a devastating effect on a woman’s full flow and flowering of femininity, she must mortify them, crucify them to death in the power of the Holy Spirit who waits within to be of service.

This is the necessary work for both men and women in this life. For unless each of them has already dealt with their baggage — or is wholly willing to do so when triggers bring it up — they will be unable to relate to each other fully in relationship and thereby will be unable to function properly as real men and real women. And here is a spiritual law: If we expose our inner fears and traumas to the light of day with the Holy Spirit getting alongside us as our spiritual ‘therapist’, there will always be release, if we sincerely want to be free. Unfortunately, many are so intent to cling on to playing the victim that they do not really want to be free. But the need for catharsis and freedom through self-examination and self-awareness — all with the aid of the Holy Spirit — is crucial if we want to nullify so much of the conflict on a personal relationship level. While we can have little or no control over international conflicts, we have all the control we want over our personal ones, through the searching power of the Holy Spirit, which only a transformed woman in Christ can carry through.

It is no coincidence that there is a so-called “gender war” across the world today. The division between men and women, of which we can see evidence everywhere (including the divisive celebration of a so-called “International Women’s Day”), has largely come about because of a failure to confront our ‘blasts-from-the-past’ (for example, the old chestnut of what one can call ‘daddy-issues’), which we then sinfully channel into taking up some tendentious or aggressive political position or become part of an angry social movement in a vain attempt to compensate. When those ‘blasts-from-the-past’ are confronted and dissolved, a woman discovers that it is possible to be liberated without needing to take on the godless mantle of “a feminist”. She then realises that understanding the true nature of femininity and its lost art — and then living it — is infinitely more important, rewarding and conducive to change than any “-ism” which one can embrace. Liberation unites; “-isms” divide.

Death to the Self!

Believe it or not, one can be a liberated woman without being a feminist. Genuine liberation does not come from worldly movements tinkering with a corrupt social system through political action (which is rather like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic), but from changes which take place deep within, personally, on a spiritual level, as the destructive element in the ego is dissolved in its last remaining puff of assertive vanity and futility. Death to the self, when it is a thrusting component of the ego, is a vital part of Christian sanctification. “If anyone wants to come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me” (Matthew 16:24). When the ego is being refined in the fire of self-awareness, flames fanned courtesy of the Holy Spirit, then distilled and decontaminated by honest self-examination, one will seek only harmony and love — above all between men and women, for when it functions naturally and without ideological interference or baggage-induced conflict, then there is a scintillating relationship between the two. I would call it a sacred symbiosis. How I love that much-overlooked word and all that it represents. Nothing less than voluntary symbiosis in the male-female axis will suffice. Anything which divides or adds to division will stand out as accursed and therefore will become anathema to the truth-seeking, peace-loving man or woman of integrity. For the transformed soul in Christ is neither “feminist” nor “chauvinist” but unflinchingly and unifyingly integralist, in the name of the flowering of love, peace and harmony in relationships.

Like Searching for a Gemstone in the Desert!

Women and men are on this Earth for different but complementary purposes and experiences — not to be at war with each other but to discover together what it is which makes them who they are, what it is which makes them both stronger and better at being men and women when they admire and cherish one another’s masculinity and femininity. This is an art — a dying art, maybe almost a lost art; and I mourn its passing. How difficult it is today (like searching for a tiny gemstone in the sands of a vast desert) to find a woman who is naturally in touch with her feminine self under the authority of God, and who revels in the strength and power of true femininity rather than holding an ideology about — or a socially-engineered concept of — what a woman should be. This is one of the reasons that an increasing number of men at the present time would rather live their lives alone than with the kind of woman who has come to proliferate today — one who is alienated from her sacred femininity, who is sinfully playing victim with a weighty backpack of unresolved hurts, and whose life and mind are incited by division and easily triggered resentment towards men.

Being a true feminine woman is something that should come naturally — especially when she is with a man who knows what it is to be a real masculine man. Just as a being a real masculine man should come naturally when he is in the presence of a woman who is truly in touch with her femininity. It is a wonderful symbiotic process. It is so precious that just the thought of it all (and what is missing from the world of men and women today) is enough to make any true man weep with both sorrow for the loss and joy for what it could have been and, indeed, should be.

.

.

.

.

© Copyright, Alan Morrison, 2023
[The copyright on my works is merely to protect them from any wanton plagiarism which could result in undesirable changes (as has actually happened!). Readers are free to reproduce my work, so long as it is in the same format and with the exact same content and its origin is acknowledged]